Bromero and Julian
by doctor b. broseph
Summary: Lock up your English teachers, this bastardization of William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" is sure to drive them to tears. This interpretation of the classic play takes great pains in ruining all the nuance and subtlety of the original, replacing clever wordplay and symbolism with crude imagery and needless profanity. You've been warned, read at your own risk.


By doctor b broseph wth help by will i am shakyspear

in the beginning there were wontascrews and Capricorns. Then they fought each other for some raisin and there was a big fight scene which sucked. so yeah and thn the big fight secne with the Capricorns and teh wontascrews wus finished so naow we go to the next bit. Lord wontascrew said yo lady wontascrew do you wontascrew? She sadi taht wasn't funny the first few times. Then he lol'd and sed that it was. Then he sed wait wheres that bromeo kid you know our son? She said she didn't know where that loser kid was then suddenly portfolio walked in and said hay. They saed hay back and said wheres that bromero kid? He sed i dunno i has a look for him. He looked and then he saw bromero over there in da corner. He sed ill go see how he going you guys piss of mkay? So they did. Metaphorically and literally.

portvolio scuttled over to bromero trying to look hella cool. Bromero was like oh, hi portvolio but he said it in a omg-what-a-lozer kindof way. Portvolio was liek hay bro, herd you were being a total looser and being all lonery. From now on your name is nigel. Nigel loner. Bromeo was all liek, omg is that supposed to be insulting? Ur such a dork, portvolio, get the fuck out. Portvolio cried for a week no joke. He is like pretty much gone from the rest of the play cept for that bit when he comes back later tbu even tehn he was still crying. Then mercushio showd up and said hay guys, the Capricorns have a nancho party going on, lets go crach taht nancho party. Bromeo said hell yeah, mercushio you are won hella cool guy. Mercushio was like i no that, but i haff to ask u a question. Bromero was liek what? Mercushio was liek why were you being a nigel loner before? Bromero said oh, i wanted to be friends with this bird and have a crow-mance but the crow said no so i cried. Mercushio said your such a dork and then they went to the nancho party!

Tehn lord capricsorn finished his zodiac and said oh hay Julian and Julian was liek oh hay. He sed u gotta marry this douchebag cos i owe him munny. Julian swore. Like fifty hundred times. Then he cried. Like a girl. He said don't feel to bad if you try to get out of ill spank you oh and the n he sed, im throwing u a nancho party to make u feel better. julian sadi really? and lord capricorn said no, the nancho party is a distraction! Julian said waht for? Lord Capricorn didn't say nothing and there wsa an awkward silence, then everyone arrived for teh the nancho party!

Bromeo was all like hay guys, lets get laid and they said what the hell man. This is a nancho party where here to eat nanchos not scoer with the chcisks. Brmeo said my god you are all dorks. Then he llokes across the room and his eyes met with julian's in a non-gay way and they connected on a deeper, around the pants level. And it wasn't gay. So then they walked up to each other panting./ hard. But not gay. But they new that this ws the start of a beautiful bromance. And then they had sexytiems.

Platinically.

But they were interrupted by lord Capricorn who said what the fuck Julian! Then that Tybolt dork stabbed Bromero. In the Jugular. Repeatedly. Bromero was liek oh noooo and ran away to deal with the copious amount of blood shooting out of his neck. Julian was sent to her room, to be spanked for being a very naughty girl. Julian was liek oh god they keep on spanking me! It keeps happening. Lord Capricorn sed i warned you about the spanking!

then bromero stopped the bleeding and mercushio was liek holy fuck, get to a hospital naow! But he sed no i gonna go see my friend Julian, he's hella cool and has boobies. Mercushio sed that was fucked up. Bromero said yeah kinda, but i find myself strangely intrigued. And he was.

Bromero was all liek, hay look its julians balcony and then he saw Julian looking out the bacony in his nightie. He was like that is so hot, mildly disturbing anf frankly a little homoerotic. I think im having a bromance with Julian! ! And he was. He said hay look, Julian is saying something, and this is waht Julian said. Here it is. Julian said yo bro, wherefore art thou bro? And Bromero was liek, down here bro and julain said oh lol! You are down there!

Julian said hay bromero are u loking at my breasticles? He was. Julian was liek, lol that is so wrong and vaguely homoerotic. Kinda liek the relationship between stvev biko, Donald woods and sam jackosn in that story about their gay sexy zombeh adventures! Then Bromeo said, sexytiems naow and Julian said sure and then they made out. Sloppily. In the pants.

Then ext morning, bromero skipped down teh hill and met führer Lawrence and said heil fuhrer. The fuhrer said oh heil bro. Hey dude did you get laid? He said liek woah, im not gay. Im so heterosexual i would totally make love at a woman if i saw one. Teh Fuhrer was like thats a suspiciously specific denial but he sed anyways i need u to sanctify a bromance. Teh fuhrer said aw i can hella do that, get you bro over here and i will make that shit take the fuhrer is a hella cool guy.

So then bromeo was walking back to julians hous when suddenly portvolio and mercushio showed up and said oh hi bromero you dork. He said im not a dork but they said he was cos he made out with a guy with breasticles. Bromero was all liek, theres nothing gay with sloppy makeouts with a man who has breasts but thewn realised just waht he had said. He swore when he realised how gay that sounded. But he still wanted to have bromance between him and Julian. Becos seriously man, breasts!

but then tybolt came along and said bromero watched you and Julian last nite and i was scared but what i saw. Suck on this! Sword throw attack! Then he threw his swords at bromeo. Bromero was like ho shit and ducked. The swords hit mercushio who couldn;t dodge them cos he was being butt reaped by a pirate. He was hurt badly and said a plague on both ur houses! You bloody dorks! Then he died. Portvolio cried for another week cos he's a dork liek that. Bromeo said ill kill you tybolt! And he proceeded to do so.

He tooked out his katana and stabbed tybolt. In a Phallic manner. Then he sed oh wait naow im the killer! Its me! So he ran away to LONDON where Donald woods was to hide from the police. But first he visited the fuhrer and said ho shit i killed tybolt. The fuhrer swore. But only once cos he had a plan. He said you go to LONDON and then ill get somewon to fetch you when i convince the pimp of verone who is like the mayo r to let you back. Then you can resume your bromance. Bromero agreed and then ran all the way to LONDON, which took 24 hours!

Meaenerwhile, julian was stroking his breasticles when he decided that was disturbing and stopped. He decided to shave his beard instead but Then he herd new that tybolt was ded and he was liek yay becos he never liked tybolt cos he was always watching him from julian's window. He was basically Edward Cullen but weirdly, even creepier. But then he herd taht bromeo was banished and then he cried becos their bromance was being tragically cut short. He cried tears of pure liquid sorrow. Then the fuhrer showeded up and said i haff aplan. Drink this potion to fake your death for EXACTLY 24 HOURS. Julian said, wait no thats a stoopid plan, it could go wron g in so many ways and gasp. He gasped becos the fuhrer shoved that bottle down his throw. Repeatedly. Until all the liquid went down julian's throat. Then Julian fell into a deep trnace and the fuhrer teabagged Julian cos there were no witnesses and he's a freak like that.

Then lord Capricorn walked in and said what the fuck. The fuhrer said, she died. Lord Capricorn repeated his erlier statement and then he cired. He had a quick funeral for julians breasts and shoved him into a hole which in those days was called a crypt. Thankfully it was a big hole so Julian didn;t suffocate and die for reals. Then suddenly in LONDON with Donald wodds...

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!

Bromero was redding a newspepper and he red the hedline! It said Julian's breasts and by extension Julian is dead! He said nothing for a bit thne he sadi something, this is what he said. I loved him, naow i got nothing to live for. I know what i must do. Then he stole doctor who's tardis and rode it back to verona in less than 24 HOURS! Doctor who was disconcerted by the loss of his time machine.

As he whizzed through the vortex of time and space, he decieded that he had to kill himself only after seeing Julian and his breasts won last time so he headed to julians tomb. He got there and then he walked over to julian's body. Then tybolt walked in and so what the fuck, bromero are you teabagging julians corpse. And bromero said, no im teabagging your corpse! And he was cos tybolt realised that bromero had used timetravel to stab him just a few seconds before. He swore adn then puked a fountain of blood before dieing. Bromero wiped the blood away from his pants and said good night sweet prince before he swallowed some death faking potion he had used time travel to steal from the fuhrer. Cos he thought it was real posion but didn't realise it wasn;t/ then he fake died. Then Julian woke up. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!

She saw bromero and thought he was ded so he pulled out his dildo and stabbed her self. In the chestal region. Repeatedly. Then she died. Suddenly BRomero woke up and was hella sad. So sad. He decided to kill himself cos he appeared to have failed that. But this time he succeeded and then he killed himself. By cutting open his head, like sylar from heroes.

So basically everyone died and there were no gay sexytiems or sloppy makeouts making this story won of the saddest stories ever written, a true tragedy. The end.


End file.
